It’s my birthday this month. Not today, no. But later on in November – later this week, in fact – is when most English-speaking countries celebrate the birth of Neal Romanek.

Often there are festivals.

In case you plan on getting me presents this year – and I can’t see why you wouldn’t, but only you know how your mind works – here are 10 Presents I Would Like For My Birthday … please:

1.) peace
2.) health
3.) victory over my enemies
4.) a new iPod – since my old one, upon hearing English pop music a short time after arriving in this country, committed spontaneous suicide (you know – “contact Apple Support” URL + frowning Mac face)
5.) a job where I get paid upwards of £100,000/year to make things up
6.) did I mention victory over my enemies?
7.)peace
8.) a Palermo pizza
9.) forgiveness of my terrible transgressions against man and beast
10.)Age of Empires III for Mac OSX