So, yeah, so Carolyn Kellogg, Tony Pierce and Rob “Attack Cat” Takata and me we got together at the Musso and Frank Grill last night. Musso and Frank’s is one of the oldest and most revered of the Hollywood Blvd. restaurants of yesteryear and many famous people have eaten foods and dranken drinks there so there’s that.

So I walked into the bar and this is what happened, and I swear it’s all true:

NEAL: Hello, Carolyn, Tony, and Rob! Before we begin, shall I refer to you three in alphabetical order according to first name or last name?

CAROLYN: Like we give a shit.

TONY: Is this the weirdo you were talking about?

ROB: Yeah, that’s him. I’m surprised he showed up. He’s always flaking.

TONY: I hate people who flake. I hate this guy already.

ROB: You think you hate him now. You don’t know him.

CAROLYN: I hear he killed a man.

ROB: You don’t know the half of it.

CAROLYN: I don’t want to know.

ROB: Did you know that he used to write a check to pay for a bus ticket?

TONY: That’s impossible.

ROB: No. It can be done. He proved it could be done. That is his one and only contribution to society – proving you can write a check to pay for the bus. Provided you are in a Third World country – like England.

NEAL: Mind if I sit down?

CAROLYN, ROB and TONY look at each other.

NEAL sits before they can say anything.

NEAL: Hey, Carolyn. Listened to your interview with Jonathan Ames. Nice work.

CAROLYN: Please don’t tell me that. It makes me feel dirty.

NEAL: Oh, and hi, Tony. I’m very pleased to meet you. Rob told me about your blog long ago, after he told me I needed to start a blog. He said: ‘You should start your own blog. But check out Tony Pierce’s busblog first, because if you just start writing whatever’s in your head, a lot of people are going to throw up’. Rob is wise.

CAROLYN: (throws up)

NEAL: Oh, and, shit, on the way over here, I listened to the end of that game. And shit! Ninth inning – SMACK! GO BIG BLOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

TONY leaps to his feet, smashes a glass into NEAL’s face.

NEAL: Oh, my eyes!! My precious eyes!!

NEAL falls to the ground. CAROLYN starts kicking.

NEAL: Oh, my groin!! My precious, precious groin!!

ROB: You and your groin! Always, always you and your goddamn groin!

CAROLYN: Let’s go get that hot dog.

CAROLYN, ROB, and TONY exit, leaving NEAL writhing on the carpet.

After a moment, TONY returns, grabbing the pot of freshly brewed coffee from behind the bar. He pours it on NEAL’s head.

NEAL: Aaagh. My scalp! My semi-precious scalp! O, coffee! Et tu, coffee?! Et tu?!

TONY: And that’s for those Obnoxious Jesus Cartoons of yours!

TONY exits. The WAITERS call 911 in an hour or two.

It is of course possible that it didn’t go down exactly that way.

Anything is possible.

Anything.

It’s possible that I never showed up to Musso and Frank’s because of a private situation that required my attention. That is possible.

If that had happened – and I’m not saying it did or it didn’t – I would really have to apologize to Rob, Tony, and Carolyn, because we spent weeks planning the thing. I don’t know if I – in this hypothetical situation – would have been missed, but I – in this hypothetical situation – certainly missed seeing them. I would count myself very blessed to be given a second chance to see the three of them in the same room again.

Sometimes you get another chance, sometimes you don’t.